Archive | November, 2011

Why Lovers Cheat and What It’s All About

3 Nov

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Dr. Nacarato Comments on Article:

“Why I Cheated on My Husband”

 By Colleen Oakley

 more at: http://www.bh2012.com/index-c_landing_page.htm — in an easier to read format.

As an introduction to this blog and the educational materials we promote I suppose I couldn’t find an article more appropriate than this one which appeared at Yahoo on November 2, 2011.

Knowledge is power, and power to do good or evil, quite often. You can learn to be a fabulous lover and use it to create a deep communication that speaks ideas of love beyond what words can tell. Such communication through love-making can create a  wonderful relationship that lasts and brings great joy to you and your partner.

One could also  use some of the knowledge to give an hour of pleasure to a “stranger” for thrills or for money leaving behind a somewhat broken and lonely spirit still yearning to satisfy a universal desire to be loved, wanted, needed, and appreciated.

What I teach and promote is ultimately designed to help you satisfy your longing. I’d like to see everyone have a good marriage or long-term relationship and I’d like those with a more philosophical and theological viewpoint to recognize that marriage is a spiritual journey and loving relationships if understood correctly will combine the two of you developing into something that is more than the sum of its parts.

Sex should be fun, should be play, and should satisfy that biological demand for release, pleasure, and that spiritual request for communication beyond guttural utterances and moments that felt good.

 To have your partner “semi-addicted” to making love with you requires more than great moves while rubbing bodies together. It demands developing a love and desire to communicate that love which runs so deep you have trouble finding words to express it. Because you run out of words your only way to express it begins with kisses and ends with holding that partner in a loving embrace that assures, “I want to stay with you forever.”

 And that is the stated purpose of my writings and the future teachings.

 My first steps upon this path began at age 12 when my mother brought home a little book for my engaged sister, entitled The Sexual Responsibility of Woman by Maxine Davis.

 Ms. Davis didn’t writing anything terribly surprising, but she did lead me to read more about marriage counseling, psychology, and how to be remarkably good in bed. Rather than believe “I was born knowing it all” or “I wouldn’t dare admit that I don’t know it all” I continued to read magazines and more books. I completed degrees in Psychology, (Psy-D) Physiology (BS) and one day crossed another stage and received a diploma calling me a Doctor of Chiropractic. I got a lot of people well over the next 25-years, and continued to write, read, and occasionally teach more about better relationships.

There are a great many wonderful manuscripts written that are never published because publishers can’t take the financial risk on printing and distributing everything. The ability to desk-top publish over the Internet has changed that. Now we can produce a valuable article and sell it for a dollar or two, or produce a book and sell it for half or a third of the price it might go for in a retail store. I’m happy we can do that with this blog, with the help of Amazon.com and soon with our own on-line website at Yahoo.

 Scan your way through this article and let what it teaches work through your mind a while. We’ll present the problem here and with future articles present solutions.

 Even if you don’t own a Kindle, Amazon has a way for you to download the Kindle capability to your PC or laptop. To test it, before buying anything you can download one of their free books or free sample pages. Once you see how easy it is to download and open the Kindle capability on your computer you’ll really love it. The wonder of the Kindle device is that you can literally store thousands of books in that little thing – which certainly lightens the load when you’re moving!

 Do a good favor to yourself and order one or both of the publications we feature from Amazon. Their price is low, the information is useful and interesting and you’ll have them in your computer in moments.

 One Last Note:  We’re happy to have your comments. Please forgive the formatting problems at this blog, as for example these bold letters that can’t be corrected. It all looks better at my web pages at this link:     http://www.bh2012.com/index-c_landing_page.htm

“Why I Cheated on My Husband”

Colleen Oakley

The first question that comes to mind when a spouse cheats is: Why? A recent study by the University of Guelph in Ontario, Canada, attempted to answer that question and found that the reasons behind infidelity differ greatly between the sexes. For men, it’s typically about the sex—the more sexually excitable they are, the more likely they are to cheat. For women, it’s more about the level of satisfaction in her relationship; if a woman is unhappy in her marriage, she’s 2.6 times more likely to cheat. Regardless of the reason, there’s one thing that’s certain: infidelity is devastating. But there can be a silver lining. “In many cases, it forces issues to the surface of a relationship that would have never otherwise been dealt with,” says Kevin Hansen, author of Secret Regrets: What if You Had a Second Chance? Read on to discover what life lessons these five women gained through their personal experiences with infidelity—and what you can learn from their stories.

Discover 11 signs that he might be having an affair.

“My husband was abusive.”
“From the day I married my husband, I knew it was a mistake,” says 50-year-old Elizabeth Smith.* “He was abusive, controlling and expected me to quit my job to make a home for him.” A little over a year into the marriage, she began having an affair with a man that she worked with. “I had no illusions that I was in love, but it was eye-opening to be with someone that made me feel good about myself, made me laugh and respected me for who I was—not who he wanted me to be,” she says. “The affair helped me find myself and proved to me that I could live a life independent of my husband. It also gave me the courage to ask for a divorce. Twenty-five years later, I’m married to a wonderful man. We love making each other happy, and never try to change who the other person is,” she says. What You Can Learn: While the confidence gained from the affair may have given her the spark she needed to get out of a bad relationship, New York City psychologist Michael E. Silverman, PhD, says if you’re in an abusive relationship, deception isn’t the best way to deal with it. Get help first from a trusted friend, family member, therapist or one of the numerous nationwide resources instead.

“We began to resent each other.”
When Vanessa Myers*, 28, married her husband six years ago, they both couldn’t wait to have children, but after their wedding day something changed for her. “I started to really love my job, and kids didn’t seem to fit into the picture,” she says. Her husband was hurt by her change of heart, and began to resent her. “We started fighting a lot, and I resented him for resenting me and we were just constantly hurting each other,” she says. “One night I caught him trying to slip off the condom and that was pretty much the end of our sex life.” Ultimately, the lack of intimacy caused Vanessa to cheat. “I met a guy online and we dated for about a year,” she says. “It ended when my husband caught me.” Vanessa and her husband agreed to seek therapy separately and together, and were able to save their marriage. “The biggest lesson I learned was that if I was unhappy in my marriage, my husband was only 50% to blame. [Having] an affair gave me the courage to ask for what I wanted in my marriage,” she says. What You Can Learn: While what her husband did may be shocking, the fact that there was unaddressed anger in the relationship created fertile ground for an affair, says Dr. Silverman. “Coupled with the lack of sexual intimacy there was nothing left to hang a relationship on,” he says Even though the affair helped Vanessa learn some valuable lessons and the relationship was ultimately saved, Dr. Silverman stresses the importance of open and honest communication in a relationship as a way for a couple to stay connected—before one of the spouses seeks comfort or intimacy outside of the marriage.

Discover 9 signs your marriage might be over.

“I was bored and unhappy.”
At 35-years-old, Barbara Gisborne was living the American dream. She lived in Madison, Wisconsin, with her loving husband and two children—but she was miserable. “My husband was a good man, but I was bored inside and out,” she says. “In our community, I always felt like a square peg trying to fit in a round hole.” That year, she was in Chicago on business and met Bob, an Australian man, on an elevator. “We had an instant connection. We exchanged numbers, kept in touch, and I decided to fly out to Australia to see him and get him out of my system,” she says. “Instead, I fell in love.” She left everything she knew—her hometown, her husband, her job and her country—to start her life over with Bob in Australia. “I became strong, independent, confident and much worldlier,” she says. “That was 25 years ago and now I can say that my affair was the turning point in my life’s journey. Today, Bob and I are married, own a winery in Australia, and have five children and 10 grandchildren between us.” What You Can Learn: Though Barbara’s story ended up with a “happily ever after,” that’s not always the case when it comes to infidelity, which is why Dr. Silverman suggests looking inside yourself if you’re unhappy or bored with your relationship. “Healthy relationships grow and evolve, and feeling bored is a symptom of relationship stagnation. Rather than having an affair, increase the romance, change habitual patterns within the relationship and communicate more about your feelings and needs.” If you just need a change of pace, try booking an exotic vacation with your husband or girlfriends, or discuss moving to a new city and starting over.

“My husband was a workaholic.”
For 10 years, 49-year-old Barbara Singer created a life independent of her husband because he was never around. “Gary was totally consumed and exhausted by his work—there was nothing left for me,” she says. “I was totally committed to my family and gave it my all, but knew in my heart that I certainly did not want this for rest of my life.” One night, she met up with Tom, an acquaintance, and ended up staying out all night with him. Within a few weeks of meeting him, she ended her marriage, and two years later, she and Tom were married. But within a month, he died of a heart attack. “Meeting Tom was the best and worst thing that ever happened to me. He came into my life and woke me up, showing me…that life is precious and that at any given moment, it can all be taken away, so if I have a dream or a goal, I better get moving on it,” she says.What You Can Learn: “Barbara felt alone for many years, and feeling disconnected from your partner is the genesis of most of the affairs I see in my practice,” says Dr. Silverman. The remedy? Speak up and begin a dialogue with your partner. Engaging in open, honest communication about your needs with your husband is the key to help a stalled marriage.
To find out more about Barbara’s story, go to LivingWithoutReservations.com.

“He was unfaithful first.”
Larie Norvell had only been married about a year when she found out that her husband had cheated on her. “I was very angry, but I was also very hurt, because I felt like I wasn’t enough for him—like there was something I wasn’t doing for him as his wife, which is why he felt the need to go outside of our marriage,” says the 33-year-old. That jumble of mixed emotions was the impetus for her affair. “I cheated on him—mostly for revenge, but in retrospect it was also because I wanted validation. I wanted to know that I was still desirable to other men,” she says. Once her affair was discovered, the couple separated for a few months—but then began to seek counseling and were able to salvage their marriage. What You Can Learn: Retribution is a common feeling when someone has been betrayed, says Dr. Silverman. “Anger can be quite powerful in clouding one’s judgment,” he says, which is why he urges any couple dealing with infidelity to seek counseling. Fortunately for Larie, her relationship endured the double deception. “The biggest lesson we’ve learned through all the struggles in 14 ½ years is that we are enough for each other,” she says.

*Names have been changed to protect identity.

Photo: © Thinkstock

Article originally appeared on WomansDay.com

Related: marriage tips

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